From Bangladesh Corespondent Rezwan…

For centuries dowry has been part of the social system in many parts of the world and in developing countries it is seen as a financial burden for the bride’s family. In several South Asian countries it has been prohibited by law in the past century, but dowry is still widely and illegally practiced.

Each year we hear about dowry-related domestic violence which may end up in the killing of wives by some husbands. A recent protest against dowry is being much discusses and lauded in the social networks in Bangladesh.

11/11/11 was chosen as the dream wedding date of the bride Farzana Yasmin, who works in an insurance company, and the bridegroom Shawkat Ali Khan Hiron, who is a head master of a government primary school. The wedding duly took place last Friday, but during the reception Farzana’s in-laws demanded a TV set, refrigerator, motorbike and a few more things as ‘gifts’ from the bride’s family in presence of the guests.

The bride was stunned to see that her new husband was voicing support for their demands and sent ripples across the country by divorcing him right at the wedding. The relatives of the bridegroom tried to solve the dispute into the night but Farzana stuck to her word.

The bridegroom later wrote in a Facebook status that the truth is that his marriage ended and he apologized to the guests. He also claimed that he did not ask for a dowry. He then launched a smear campaign  against the bride on Facebook. Netizens widely protested this and the hate filled posts were later removed.

Farzana explained:

Dowry has become a cancer of society. I’ve read in newspapers about it and have always wondered why this happens. [..] When it happened right before my eyes, something happened inside me. I felt like speaking up against it and doing something about it…. [..] Maybe I haven’t changed the lives of ten people, but I want people to take the lesson that girls can do something.

She asked that if she, being an educated girl cannot take this decision, who can?

Here is a video of an interview  she gave to local media (uploaded by Priyochannel).

Unheard Voice blog posts translations from the interview:

So what if I got divorced? I don’t need it. I can live by myself. I can never build a home with a man like this… Girls think once you get married you can never leave. They make comments like, how could she get divorced. Why should I live inside a hell when I know it is… We speak against dowry, but it still happens. If I don’t protest now, another five women will not protest against this… You see all these protests, rallies, but it still continues. This society continues to be ruled by men. How could a teacher ask for dowry? What will society learn from a teacher like that? And he is a government teacher. And government talks against dowry. These people need to be punished, they need to be socially ostracized. I am proud to say I walked out, even though I was dressed as bride.

Kowshik was there during the interview and wrote about it in BDNews24.com blog

Listening to her remarkable story. One has to be amazed by her deeds. How many people can take such a brave decision? We hear about domestic violence related to dowry all the time. But such bold stand is a rare phenomenon.

Kowshik’s post attracted many comments. Gias Uddin Bhuiyan congratulated her and said:

Every person in every home should remember this bold step taken by her and the lesson should be applied in our lives. The responsibility doesn’t end only by congratulating her.

Farzana, many thanks to you. You have shown that women are not products at markets. They are also human beings and they are independent.Muktadir S. Hossain comments on an article in the Daily Star:

This is just the beginning. For all those beggars who look for dowry, this is a warning.

Manzor H. sarkar writes:

My full admiration for this girl’s guts and courage and her decisive refusal to the compliance with this century-old stupid tradition or practice of dowry in our sub-continent. She fully realised what type of marriage was going to be installed. It looked like more to a sale deed rather than a bond of matrimony based on mutual trust and love.

The reality is that Farzana is just one odd amongst millions of women who have to live through the ordeals of dowry. When will society wake up?

First published in Global Voices.

From Lama J…

Jordan is considered one of the most educated and flexible societies in the Middle East; the land of the three religions, surrounded by a long history, offering tourist havens such as Petra and Mt. Nebo to the rest of the world. Statistics also show Jordan as having the highest level of educated people among other countries in the same area. With that said, the country still has some outdated ideas about marriage.

The population of Jordan is more than six million, with tens of thousands of women over age 35 remaining unmarried. It’s hard for a woman in her mid-thirties and upward to find a husband, as most men want to marry younger women to start a family. On the other hand, the percentage of single men in Jordan in a 2008 study was about 46%. In this regard, many young men who are willing to marry can’t afford to put gas in their cars let alone pay for a wedding.

The problem here is that not only does Jordan tax its citizens at the same rate or more than most European countries, the average income per household is far too low to even readily afford the basic necessities of daily life. What makes matters worse is the mentality of many Jordanian families regarding finding the perfect husband for their daughters.

Throughout the 8 years I lived in Jordan, I watched on as many young females who were perfectly willing to marry and share their lives have their hopes dashed. These women did not care about how much money her husband made, as they wanted to work and share the expensive cost of living with their partner, and all they wanted was a family.

Nevertheless, many families push these young men who want to marry their daughters towards the door with their non-stop over the top demands – a fully-furnished house, a car, gold and diamonds, imported designer wedding dresses, engagement parties and wedding receptions at the most expensive five star hotels in Amman – and don’t forget, this is in a relatively poor country!  The result is that men often find themselves unable to meet the conditions and the father of the bride refuses to give his blessing to the marriage.

It should be noted that getting married and having children are top priorities in Jordan and most marriages are arranged by the father of the bride. And with arranged marriages still the norm, most couples will not even get to know each other until after they are engaged.

The result of all this financial and social pressure is that men, after being asked for the impossible several times over by fathers, get turned off from the idea of marriage altogether, as do women. What follows is more and more single women (and to a certain degree men) who are depressed and unhappy with the whole process. In a traditional culture like Jordan’s, most women simply can’t say anything about the unreasonable demands of their fathers or mothers, and end many up being single for life, isolated and abused by society as a result.

In the Middle East, men usually pay for the majority of what’s required to establish a family, but this way of thinking is changing. More and more, women are taking a page from Western Society and sharing in the financial responsibilities of the household. Young women in general these days in fact want to do so. The needs of what are no less than greedy parents however are still lagging behind any form of modernity.

I’ve seen many friends who never wanted anything from the man they wanted to marry and who were ready to help their men meet the family’s non-stop demands, but this creates even more stress in the end. Many young couples find themselves in deep debt from day one, because of the financial pressures placed upon them by their parents. I know this is common in North America too, as weddings can be expensive anywhere, but keep in mind the low incomes in Jordan. Dentists, teachers and other working professionals make less than a thousand dollars U.S.  per month, so being in debt in Jordan means being in debt, and under pressure, for much longer.

The blame cannot always be squarely placed on the families either, as there are those women in the Middle East who are very demanding in terms of marriage. They want the biggest wedding, the best DJ, in the grandest hotel and most expensive dress and diamonds. The poor guy will often borrow to pay for all this and sometimes, the marriage won’t even last a year.

I know of these frustrations firsthand, as my family is currently on a mission to find my brother a wife. The only son of four children, he is 38 years old and couldn’t marry the girl he loved because the conditions he needed to meet in order to satisfy the father were too much. My poor mom and dad are meeting families and trying to help, but every time they get rejected if they are unwilling to meet a ready-made list of demands.

A potential father-in-law recently told my brother he would have to sign over ownership of his own apartment to his daughter if he wanted to marry her. Can you believe this?! Another told him to buy gold and furniture from specific places considered to be the most expensive in Amman!! Specific honeymoon destinations, famous DJs and more just kept coming at both my brother and my parents and so… he’s now decided he doesn’t want to marry a woman from Jordan or even the Middle East at all!

In the end, what do we get from all this? A happy life for our daughters and sons? Never, as the divorce rate for new marriages in Jordan is a staggering 70%.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) once said “If a good Muslim came to you and asked your daughter’s hand in marriage, help him to marry. If you don’t, it will be a loss for both you and society.”

Declining marriage rates, sky-rocketing divorce rates and falling birth rates…. and for what? It’s time to change our priorities.

Recently an 80 year-0ld child molester, after having being outed by the media for his monstrous behavior, had his victim, a 12 year-old girl, returned to him.  The young girl’s father sold his daughter for approximately $20,000, thus making her the 80 year-old man’s sex slave.  All of this was entirely legal and binding according to the laws of the country. 

Saudi Arabian law calls the sale of children “marriage,” making such vile and disturbing actions fall well within the boundaries of their legal system.  There is no minimum age for such a union and time and again, children are sold off to highest bidding child molesters and rapists. 

Only a few months back, when a mother tried to annul the sale of her 8 year-old daughter to a 47 year-old man, the request was refused not once, but twice by Saudi Courts. As it turned out, the marriage contract was part of a loan repayment plan. The man agreed to deduct $8,000 from a debt the father owed him in return. Yes, you are reading this right.

On some occasions, the victims manage to run away from their molesters. The wheels of Saudi Arabian society then jump into action. The police or the victim’s parents catch the girl and return her to once again re-enter the cycle of rape and human slavery.  

I’ve often wondered if the damage and shame that Saudi Arabia brings to the international reputation of the Middle East and to Arabs everywhere is worse than any terrorist attack.  Going back over these words… I’m no longer wondering.  

From David Anthony Hohol… 

From Lama J . . .

Simplicity is the cure for the complications of daily life, pureness the one and only remedy and salvation. It’s not a philosophy or a theory I’m trying to raise, but a question I keep asking myself – is it really strange to be simple? Is it a shame to be pure and spontaneous?

I grew up in a simple house, where I learned how to earn things. I was taught to be proud of being a Palestinian, an Arab, and above else, a Muslim. I always prayed with my parents and fasted during Ramadan every year – today I still do.  I used to visit my uncles and relatives, although part of me didn’t really like doing so. I respected my parents and never argued with them about anything, even if they weren’t convincing. I used to help mom and my sisters in preparing big meals for the family. In fact, we each cooked twice a week and it wasn’t an option to do so, but a duty. I grew up proudly in a very simple and traditional Middle Eastern home. Looking back now, I feel lucky.

On the other hand, I received my education from a private school, where boys and girls were allowed to study with each other. I had posters of Wham and George Michael in my bedroom, loved to listen to pop music and watched Western movies and TV shows.

As I grew up, my dad used to tell us, when you work hard your reward is always big. He also said to work as if there is no one beside you to help. After I finished university, I worked in many places in Amman trying to earn a living and to prove that I could do a lot of things with a small amount of money. Eventually my efforts and education took me to a job Europe and my travels around the world began.   

My dream, all along, was to have a family of my own – kids here and there, playing with them one minute and yelling at them the next. I guess it’s a simple dream. I love kids, and I’m not afraid to say that loudly. I guess I’m a big kid too, as I’ve never wanted to grow up. What could be better than having beautiful angels living with you, watching them grow, learn, and later marry to start families of their own? Kids are a blessing from God. The Holly Quran even says “money and kids are the beauty of our lives.“

I felt the need to write these thoughts, just to make sure that I’m still on the right track, trying to follow what I think to be normal. In the end, I try to keep the balance in my life.

Many sophisticated co-workers and friends of mine from different nationalities and religions often look at me with a big question mark. I guess I’m silly and very old-fashioned about my ideas of having kids and living happily ever after; I guess I’m wasting my precious time cooking; I guess I’m not really enjoying my time because I don’t party a lot. Hmmm… where the hell I have been hiding all these years??

Let me say this loudly, so all can hear – this kind of thinking is not normal!! A friend of mine with no children, who has four cats and calls them her daughters and who always talks about how children would interfere with her lifestyle, is not normal. Sometimes she takes couple of days off because one of the daughters is sick. Don’t get me wrong; I love animals. They’re beautiful and cute, but they are not people.

Another friend of mine told me she doesn’t want kids because she’s afraid that her face will get paralyzed? But How?? Did you ever read about this happening to anyone? I didn’t.

Another is telling me she has her own way of living and kids are just an interruption to this lifestyle. Can’t kids be part of our lifestyle? Another hates the responsibility, but aren’t we are supposed to be responsible? Another thinks that she makes money to enjoy spending it, and not to waste it on kids. Are children a waste of our money?

 I can give endless examples of women I meet in my day-to-day life who simply cannot imagine having children. I’m sure there are more and I’m still interested to meet and to listen to their opinionsl. Most of these fellow women react so strangely every time I show how much I need a child, looking at me in a way that makes me try to hide my feelings towards being a mother. Sometimes they make me feel like I ran away from the Stone Age.

I guess people like being weird these days. Maybe it’s cool to be different, or it’s good to make lots of money and not share it with anybody. Many marriages seem to be now based on emptiness; a need of having something called partner in one’s life, but this partner doesn’t expect much from the other. Every time I feel proud of learning how to cook a new recipe that my husband really liked and want to brag about it. When I do, once again, I made to feel like I’m from the Stone Age.

A friend of mine doesn’t like cooking because she cannot stand washing dishes. Another one orders from a food service to feed the family every day. Some literally have never done anything, but work at their jobs. Many place work as a priority over starting a family of their own and their husbands are not even complaining.

Is this the new generation? Are these the expected future mothers? Are we really convinced that this is the right thing? How far we are willing to go with this way of thinking? Is this a new religion that people want to follow, where we can be more classy and civilized?

I guess we are heading towards the danger zone here; I guess we’re heading towards the nonsense.